On The Back Of A… Turtle? Oohkaay…
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: A Discworld Crossover. Sora, Donald and Goofy run across a giant turtle flying through space. With four elephants on it's back. Carrying a world. And they intend to EXPLORE it. Idiots. Crack!fic.
1. “A Giant Space Turtle?

A/N: Because it had to happen some time. I mean, Monstro got away with it, so why not Great A'tuin? The result of a new– and dangerous– Terry Pratchett addiction. Thanks to the wonders of the University of the Poor's (inside joke) very nice secondhand bookstores, I am able to indulge in 'one-new-Discworld-a-week' habit.

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On The Back Of A… Turtle? Ooh-kaay…

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 1: "In Which They See Something They Haven't Before, But For Which There Is Precedent" or "A Giant Space Turtle? Well, There Was A Giant Space Whale, So…"

Disclaimer: Discworld belongs to His Greatness, Terry Pratchett, Lord of the Disk, He Who Might Be Able To Kick Weatherwax's Ass, etc. Kingdom Hearts belongs to square.

Hey, it had to happen some time…

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Sora, Donald and Goofy stared at the front of the Gummy ship's boobs. This was because Yuffie, in a burst of rather bizarre humor, had rebuilt their gummy ship as a giant version of Tifa. The way the legs were bent and considering that they'd caught her pulling together a couple more gummy parts, she was probably about to add a giant Cloud too…

Oh, sorry, loose tangent.

Anyway, as to _why_ they were staring…

"That's a giant turtle," Sora said. He was an island boy and could very well identify a turtle when he saw one. "It's a giant turtle with four elephants on it's back…"

"Maybe it knows Monstro?" Goofy asked, also staring. He was no islander, but he did know enough to ask logical questions… that is, if you don't consider the nature of things too closely.

"This is impossible…" Donald said, eyes wide and staring more than the other two. "I mean, Monstro wasn't a world, and worlds don't go around looking like giant animals, they look like…"

"Giant pumpkins?" Goofy suggested.

"Yes!" the duck cried. "That's how a proper world is supposed to look like!"

Sora stared out the window, considering the view before him. On top of the elephants, they could clearly see a flattened piece of world. It was pretty big, and looked even bigger than most worlds did from outside. Inside, worlds were properly big and world-sized, but this was the first time he'd seen one that was properly big and world-sized from the _outside_ too.

"Well… we'd better check it out. In case of Heartless activity, you know…" he said hesitantly.

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"Superior?" Saïx said through the Organization's intercom system as he continued to stare at the readings their instruments, used to do unnecessary and invasive things to reality in general, were showing. "I believe you need to come down and look at this. I am not sure if I'm interpreting the instruments correctly."

"What is it you think you're having problems with?" Xemnas answered back.

"I was checking the Color-Magnitude Diagram and I came across something unusual."

"On the Hertzsprung-Russell diagram? What was it?"

"A giant turtle."

There was a pause.

"Saïx… are attempting to reproduce a sense of humor?"

"No Superior."

"Are you intoxicated and attempting to reproduce being drunk?"

"No Superior."

Another pause.

"Axel?"

"No Superior, I am not Axel."

One last pause. Saïx picked his nose.

"I'll be right there."

"Yes Superior."

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Pete was just flying through space, minding his own business and looking for worlds for Maleficent to take over with Heartless when…

"_**Mother of Disney, is that a giant turtle!?!**_"

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**- To be continued...**

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A/N: another crack fic, brought to you by yours truly! Enjoy!

Please review, C&C welcome. Send any flames to Granny Weatherwax and we will kindly take care of your funeral arrangements, since you'll definitely need it…

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	2. Ankh Morpork

A/N: I like the Ridcully brothers. They're funny…

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On The Back Of A… Turtle? Ooh-kaay…

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 2: Ankh-Morpork or "Little Island Boy In The Most Corrupt City In The Multiverse"

Disclaimer: Discworld belongs to His Greatness, Terry Pratchett, Lord of the Disk, He Who Might Be Able To Kick Weatherwax's Ass, etc. Kingdom Hearts belongs to square.

Hey, it had to happen some time…

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Pete, after getting plastered, falling unconscious, waking up feeling like someone had died in his mouth, looking out the window and realizing it hadn't all been a weird dream, and finally reporting the giant turtle to Maleficent, decided to teleport down to where he felt the greatest amount of darkness on the #!#& world. It had about as much darkness in the whole thing as that creepy looking country that always seemed to be having a thunderstorm.

Portaling down just outside the city, and wearing a big hooded cloak to hide his features (something he'd never bothered to do before and a sure sign he was already under the influence of Narrative Causality), Pete looked at the wide open doors of the city gates he found himself facing.

"'Thank you for Nott Invading Our City'?" Pete read. "What the heck does that mean?"

Ignoring the little Watchman manning the gates, he strode through like he owned the place, which instantly made him fit in. Thieves, both licensed and unlicensed, took one look and wondered why a troll was going around in a cloak. So did everyone else for that matter.

And the sharks immediately moved in… to sell him stuff.

"Sausage in a bun?"

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Meanwhile, up in Dunmanifestin…

"Hey, does anyone know who these guys belong to?"

All the gods present at the table where the games were held looked down at the new pieces on the board. _FINALLY_, an expansion pack…

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Meanwhile, somewhere else in the city…

"Excuse me," Sora said politely one of the passersby. Behind him, Goofy bashfully covered the back of his pants with his shield, trying to conceal the big hold there caused by catching himself on a nail. "Do you know where we can find a seamstress? My friend is having trouble with his pants."

After the sixteenth time he'd been told to "sod off, ye' toff!" or having someone just laugh in his face, a friendly little man– which of course meant that he was a sneaky little thief (unlicensed, at that) who'd hoodwink them– pointed them towards a nearby building and told them to ask for one of 'Mrs. Palm's little girls'.

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Five hours later, Sora and Donald walked out with big, shiny grins and slightly glassy eyes plastered on their faces, their munny (which is a magic currency that is accepted everywhere, even in Ankh-Morpork) slightly depleted. Goofy was examining his pants, which were now as good as new.

"Gawrsh, what did you guys do while Mrs. Battye was fixing my pants?" Goofy asked.

"Reading magazines!" the two chorused a little too loudly.

Internally, they swore never to tell Kairi and Daisy about this.

(Namine looked up from her sketches. She's always doing sketches, wherever she is.

"I sense a great disturbance in the Chain of Memories," she said softly. "As if a great explosion occurred, followed by a lot more…"

"You say something?" Axel said.

"Nothing!" the special Nobody said, wondering if she should tell Kairi about this if they ever meet…)

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Demyx stepped out of the gateway and into the newly discovered world. He thought it was slightly unfair that they'd sent him on this one. Just because they'd all looked at the monitor and someone had said, "A world on the back of a turtle. Sounds like something Demyx would do." didn't in any way mean they _should_ send him! That was not only stupid, it was unfair!

…

Where the heck was he?

"_**AAAAHHHH!!!!**_"

Demyx blinked as a figure in dusty, slightly charred robes that were dropping sequins all over the place ran past. By some instinct, he looked behind him to where it had come from.

The human body, and indeed, any creature who's managed to live long enough to have descendants, has a built in flight-or-fight reflex. It's hardwired into the body, and– in Nobodies– is the closest thing to fear you're likely to get.

Demyx took one look at the thing behind him and activated his hardwired response.

"RUN AWAY!"

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Rincewind, along with being Egregious Professor Of Cruel And Unusual Geography, Chair of Experimental Serendipity, Reader in Slood Dynamics, Fretwork Teacher, Chair for the Public Misunderstanding of Magic, Professor of Virtual Anthropology, Lecturer in Approximate Accuracy, Assistant Librarian, and Health and Safety Officer, was probably the skinniest, fastest wizard with a tenure in the entire Disk. Considering most wizards appeared, when remembered, to be a small hill with a pointy hat, this was pretty easy.

Currently, he was running away from a horrible monster he'd found in the library. One would wonder how this would happen, until one realizes that a) this was the library in a magical university, meaning it's more dangerous than normal libraries, b) as a library, it's connected to L-space, and c) even in hell, they have libraries (they're famous for it. That's where bad paper-masters and librarians go when they die. The former are kept from reading books, and the latter are kept from keeping people from reading books).

Apparently, even the librarians of hell don't like people messing with their books. Heck, they don't even like people breathing the same _fumes_ as their books, a fact that Rincewind learned when he accidentally took a wrong turn (complements of the Lady, who was a bit bored a the moment) and found himself in a hell library.

_Their_ librarians looked like apes too.

He could here something catching up with it, but it didn't sound like the hell librarian monstrosity. Quickly, he pulled down the For-Seeing-Things-Behind-You-Without-Turning-Around-And-Tripping device he'd had Leonard of Quirm install into his hat after that thing s with Cohen and the gods. Someone in vaguely robe-like black with funny hair was running behind him, screaming in horror and occasionally saying "I don't want to die!"

_Finally_, Rincewind thought as he continued his own running. _Someone with sense!_

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Anyone who has ever been chased by a horrible monster knows that a dead end is usually a very apt description for a… well, a dead end. It's the end, and soon you'll be dead.

Rincewind knew this as soon as he saw Death leaning against the wall, just before they rounded the corner and so no more space to run.

HELLO RINCEWIND, Death said. IS IT FINALLY TIME?

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Rincewind cried, frantically looking around.

"Do something!" the other one in black cried. You're a wizzard, aren't you?!?"

That was the first time Rincewind had ever heard it pronounced the way it was written on his hat.

THUD. And the librarian from hell (literally) was upon them.

"_Stercus,_" Rincewind said.

"Crap," Demyx agreed.

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**- To be continued...**

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A/N: Just wondering, how badly do you think Maleficent is going to get pwned if she goes up against Granny Weatherwax?

Please review, C&C welcome. Flamers will be raped by Greebo…

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	3. Poor Shmoes

A/N: and now, once more…

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On The Back Of A… Turtle? Ooh-kaay…

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 3: Poor Shmoes

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Discworld. Please don't sue me…

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Pete was busy exploring the City of Ankh-Morpork. That is to say, he was looking for beer. Scouting out worlds to destroy and/or conquer was thirsty work, after all.

The Mended Drum? That sounded like a nice place…

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"WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!" Rincewind and Demyx both cried as the monstrosity approached them.

To the side, Death's grin was much wider than usual as he loving sharpened his scythe. He'd waited a _loooooong_ time for this…

SNAP! One moment the monstrosity was there, the next it had disappeared.

"HUH?" the two cowards chorused.

DAMN, Death said, snapping his fingers in annoyance. MISSED AGAIN!!

The two looked at where the monstrosity had been. Sitting there, looking innocent as sin, was the Luggage.

And thus life moves on.

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Maleficent stepped out of her portal to survey the world around her. When Pete had called to say he'd found a world on the back of a giant turtle, she'd first assumed he was drunk again. It was only after the pictures started coming in that she'd begun to believe.

Her curiosity piqued, she'd gone to check it out. After all, there were only so many hours in the day that she could spend picking imaginary lint of her dress when she didn't even have dandruff, or apparently, for that matter, hair.

"What a… _picturesque_ little world…" she said, probably to Diablo, since there was no one around to listen and she couldn't be _that_ nuts. "It seems almost a shame to…"

Maleficent stopped. She stared.

There, sitting on the rock, was a castle.

All higher brain functions suddenly went out the window at the sight. Maleficent loved castles. Unhealthily so. She used to have support group, until she decided she could quit liking castle any time she wanted, really, it was easy.

"This world shall become mine!!!!!" she cried (this time to no one, considering she'd used a mentally unhealthy number of exclamation points) as she dramatically raised her staff into the air. Lightning thundered down as thorns suddenly started growing all over the place.

The unwary people looked up at the sky, at the darkening weather, the thorns rising out of the forests, and the weird, hazy green glow and said, "Oh, another portent."

It really sucked for Maleficent that she'd landed in Lancre. Pity it wasn't Uberwald…

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"So, it's a killer piece of luggage?" Demyx said, examining the Luggage warily. "It'll kill anything that comes close to you? Not affected by magic?"

"You could say that," Rincewind said, once they'd both gotten over the shock of nearly being killed (again) and Death had gone off grumbling on his way. "It's come in useful once or twice, although it keeps getting lost."

The luggage, not moving one little bit, managed to convey this was no fault of it's own.

"Where can I get one?" Demyx asked.

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Donald looked up at the bulk of buildings that was Unseen University. It was nothing like that magic school _he'd_ gone to. For one thing, there were no girls around. For another, it wasn't being taught by a mute empty hat and a pair of gloves with a wand.

"Are you sure that these wizards will be able to help us Donald?" Sora asked as they stood in front of the doors.

"Positive," Donald said. "We wizards know everything!"

The first time they tried to go in, they were thrown out.

The second time, Donald was wearing his point hat and was using a wand with a hat on the end. When they explained it was a limp knob, they were allowed through.

They got thrown out again afterwards, though, since Donald wasn't complying to the dress code. To wit: a pair of pants and a long robe with lots of pockets.

It was hard, being a duck. People always discriminated about the pants.

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Riku stepped out of the dark portal, on his eternal quest of keeping Sora from getting killed without him finding out. Seriously, how else could he have survived for so long?

Now, where was he…?

Well, that looked like a school over there. Maybe they'd be able to give him directions.

In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to take off his hood. Especially when it became obvious he was in an all-girls school.

All the human-looking students of the Quirm College of Young Ladies (that is, all the ones that looked human, which included the vampires and werewolves) stampeded out of the school as they chased the silver-haired god. They'd been locked up in the place with no men for years. When the first one they see is a chocolate-skinned, silver-haired wispy bishounen, they'd tend to go a little nuts.

Ultimately, though, it was all of them yelling "OH MY GOD!" that did it…

Riku, however, did not know that. He just knew a whole bunch of women wanted to tear his clothes off.

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**- To be continued...**

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A/N: What can I say? KH Maleficent seems to have an unhealthy obsession with castles…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	4. On Gods, Death and Frying Pans

A/N:

A/N: Hmm… I seem to be running low on material…

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On The Back Of A… Turtle? Ooh-kaay…

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 4: On Gods, Death and Frying Pans

Disclaimer: Discworld belongs to His Greatness, Terry Pratchett, Lord of the Disk, He Who Might Be Able To Kick Weatherwax's Ass, etc. Kingdom Hearts belongs to square.

Hey, it had to happen some time…

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Riku blinked his fruity-orange eyes a few times. He looked at the rather-undefinitely-appearing… uh, god who called himself Om and said, "Uh, could you care to explain it to me again? Ever since those girls mobbed me, my memory hasn't been doing so well…"

"You're the new god of Angsty, Emo, Yaoi-able Bishounen Semi-Anti-Heroes," Om explained again. He looked a little bit like a turtle now, though there seemed to be a touch on ninja at the corners. "You're in charge of Semes, Ukes, angsty and emo poetry, boy bands, Uchihacest, Yaoi, Slash, the villificaiton of female potential love interests…"

As Om went over the list again, Riku wondered why things like this kept happening to him. You never saw _Sora_ in ambiguously gay situations…

(Of course, the "crying while holding Riku's hand, even though Kairi's right _there_ and she barely gets a hello…" thing still hasn't happened, so he wouldn't know…)

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"So, what's the story here, Nobby?" Fred Colon asked as he and Nobby Nobbs walked down one of the many streets of Ankh-Morpork. "Who's this new cat-dog-looking fella on the Watch?"

"Pete? Oh, the usual Sarge. Patrician's idea. Somethin' about representing forners in the Watch…"

Pete actually made a pretty good copper. The trick was sticking him wherever you'd usually see a troll and making sure Detritus was _right_ behind him…

--

REALLY, THIS IS JUST GETTING ABUSIVE…

The shade of the person that was and– in a few seconds– would once more be Sora sheepishly scratched the back of his head. "Eh heh heh… sorry about that. It's just a lot easier to die on this world than usual…"

They both looked at the seemingly floating body of Sora with the glowing red, vaguely crystalline heart floating on above it. I WILL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT, Death said. HONESTLY, YOU'RE WORSE THAN RINCEWIND. AT LEAST _HE_ HAS THE DECENCY TO JUST BE DIFFICULT TO KILL. YOU ARE MAKING A MOCKERY OF MY PROFFESSION!

"It's not my fault, honest!"

THAT DOES NOT MAKE THE SITUATION ANY LESS DIFFICULT.

The two stood in silence for a while.

"So, uh… nice horse…"

UM, THANK YOU…

"Oh yeah, while we're here, I'd like to ask… what happens to Donald and Goofy when they die?"

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Rincewind and Demyx somehow found themselves in a whirlwind adventure as only happens once in a lifetime. There were debonair spies, beautiful loose women, Dark Lords, unimaginable dangers, sexy vampires, Heartless, and several near-Death (or in Death's case, Near-Rincewind) experiences.

However, the two were too busy to notice, as they were kept occupied by trying to see how many times a second they could keep putting one foot in front of the other and thus achieved land speed records.

Nothing bad happened to the world, by the way.

--

Tiffany Aching had been going to visit Granny Weatherwax when it had happened. The sky had gone dark, the earth shuddered, and tree-thick dark vines bristling all over with thorns. In the center of it all stood a tall woman with– apparently– horns for hair, a long staff topped by some green thing, wearing a poncho-looking thing too tastefully tattered around the edges to have been worn by use.

Clearly, _someone_ had been hitting the Boffo catalogue's "Neww Aige Secksee Wytch" special order catalogue (not that Tiffany would know, since she was a good girl and wouldn't know anything about that, and that it contained products like 'Akamatsu's Bouncerific Breast Biggerer Cream' or 'Bewitching Betwixting Garters' and stuff like that).

She whacked the obvious lunatic (she was talking to herself, which was just a _hair_ this side of 'cackling') with her safety frying pan until she was unconscious and went on to visit Granny, ignoring the crow that squacked indignantly at her and tried to wake up the unconscious witch.

It never even saw Greebo coming…

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"You guys did _what _while I was dead?" Sora asked incredulously.

"We didn't do it!" Donald cried indignantly, which made it a fifty-fifty chance that they had. "It's just that a couple of vampires saw you get killed and then come back assumed you were some kind of undead and convinced us to have you join their support group!"

"Although they were arguing on whether you were a vampire, ghoul, zombie or mummy," Goofy added helpfully.

Sora thought that over. "Oh. Well, that makes sense… I guess…"

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**- To be continued...**

--

A/N: Much as I wanted to make Sally and Susan show up, I just couldn't think of a way. Sorry.

Please review, C&C welcome. Flamers will be raped by Greebo…

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


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